Expectations
by A. Ritter
(pdf version)

Expectations are a major hindrance to True Understanding. Expectations are hard-core beliefs defining something that “should” be a certain way. The presence of the word “should” is always a tip-off to trouble and obviously Expectation and Should are united. Expectations are menacing limitations. Expectations force our consciousness into a very narrow concept of reality, which in turn limits the possible outcomes in any given situation. When Expectations are not met, we often internalize the cause, or worse, externalize the cause – lay blame on others. This leads to confusion concerning our understanding of the actual events/Process - which inhibits growth. If we cannot discern the accuracy regarding what has occurred (our experiences), growth is halted and repetitious behavior results. We may become trapped, Expecting this/that without organic fulfillment being part of the equation or a natural conclusion being available either. If things do terminate we often have no clear understanding of our contribution - we Expected the outcome and we may deny the participation of any unexpected factors being present.

The root, inescapable, flaw with Expectations is that they are based on beliefs that rarely derive from one’s actual experience. A simple example: You see a product touted to be perfect for your cleaning needs. You buy it with an Expectation that it will at least meet, hopefully exceed, the manufacturer’s claims. You get it home and find it’s mere water in a bottle. Anger and disappointment ensue. Your Expectations – established by the manufacturer – were not met. The fact is, left to your own, with no experience with this product; you’d have no Expectations whatsoever! To get you to buy, the manufacturer must create Expectations within you where none previously existed. In this case the Expectations came not from your actual experience, but from an external source with something to sell. This is how selling luxury items works – needs and desires are created via sophisticated Expectation implanting – it’s not evil, it’s just the game. Expectation sells everything from Self Help books (read - Expect success) to Governments (elect me - Expect wealth & safety).

The installment of Expectations is epidemic. Go to college - get a great job. Skip college and fail in life. Go to Church - go to heaven; behave badly – go to hell. Get married, buy a house, have kids Expect life to be wonderful and exciting. Stay single - Expect to be lonely and sad. Each Expectation formula here is established by someone selling something; Mortgages, Houses, God, Education. Some Expectations are not consumer related. A classic Expectation: “do good things, and good things will happen to you.” There might be some truth to this, but as an Expectation this is disaster waiting to happen. Countless folks have come to see me asking why, if they are good people, are bad things happening to them? The killer is the line spoken after that question – “what am I doing to deserve this?” They are trapped by Expectations here, not by reality. They believe if Expectations of “reward for good behavior” are not met there must be something wrong with them. In many cases, nothing bad is happening to them. What is happening to them is that Expectations are not being met and they have internalized this as some form of punishment. I once had someone who couldn’t understand why they hadn’t been promoted at work. They were doing a great job – why no promotion? I asked if anybody at work got promoted? The answer was, “it seemed to never happen.” The company didn’t promote anyone. Clearly the problem was the Expectation of upward mobility, one created not by the company itself but by an Expectation installed in their consciousness. Where did the Upward Mobility Expectation come from? - Early 20th Century Corporations desperate for competent employees perhaps?

Here is one of my favorite Expectations of all time. A real Christmas must be accompanied by snow, turkey, gifts, and family. Snow? Are those in warm climates having an inferior Christmas? Turkey? Turkey farmers couldn’t sell turkeys from early spring through summer due to an enzyme that might make people sick. Fall is a perfect time to sell them during those wonderful holidays! Gifts? The retail industry makes all its profits during the “holiday season,” so you are encouraged to spend, spend, spend to boost profits. Family? If I had dollar for every person that came to me and said they can’t stand the family gatherings but must participate out of obligation... The problem here could be tempered by dropping the Expectation that holiday time is about “cheer and love” and view it as it actually is - in my case, terribly uncomfortable and never fun. Holiday Expectations have been installed in us and reinforced via movies (thanks Mr. Capra!), Hallmark cards, books and corporations right from birth. My holiday experiences, based on actual events in my life, were terrible! They were fraught with phony sentiment, emotional tension and forced interaction. I know many who have had the same experience yet still work to create a holiday season based on the Holiday Expectation Formula, forcing others (family) to perform as actors in their contrived expression of holiday cheer. Here is a scary byproduct of all that “Holiday Expectation.” Those who feel their life is not meeting the Expectation take more antidepressants (profits) visit their therapist more (profits) drink more (profits) and may actually attempt or commit suicide. This as a result of the universal Holiday Expectation Formula established by whom exactly?

Expectations are everywhere. We believe that people, who have been licensed by the state, should be good courteous drivers. When they aren’t, we are beside ourselves with frustration. Most people are lousy, selfish drivers. The sooner we accept the facts and drop the Expectation - the less stress. We expect those we interact with to be honest and appreciative of our efforts. Many are not and we struggle unnecessarily. I recently had an experience in which I overextended myself. I Expected the person I was doing the work for to be appreciative of my extra efforts. That person had a different Expectation - they Expected to be cheated. They reacted harshly and were terribly unappreciative of my added efforts. Oddly enough I didn’t meet their Expectation either! I was left emotionally and financially drained and they were disappointed too. My mistake - lesson learned: If Expectations are present, and polarized in opposite directions, disaster is in order.

Expectations associated with final outcomes are usually based on fear avoidance (see Fear). Many will establish an Expectation prior to participating in a project or experience in order to circumvent pain, fear or failure. We’ll often set unrealistic Expectations before embarking on a trip, a project or a even a date. Even worse we may adopt someone else’s Expectations here. The more concrete the Expectation the less adept we are at making appropriate, real-time changes to maximize our unique experience. Often the disappointment from not fulfilling initial Expectations will result in us outright quitting a Process altogether. If one’s experience actually meets an Expectation, it may be seen as merely completing a task. Some of us might actually be so Expectation happy that we Expect ourselves to be good at skiing, parenthood or woodworking the first time we try them! The inevitable failure (when viewed through the distorted eyes of Expectation) may lead to event termination. If you have never done something before how can you possibly have an Expectation? How many times have you heard someone traveling to France say: “It’s going to be so great, we’re going here, and there and then oh, that’s going to the be the best part.” This can only lead to disappointment. When one embarks on an experience for the sake of greater Soul level understanding, all of possibility is included in the Process, more knowledge is extracted, and efficient Soul level evolution occurs no matter what the outcome.

Expectations bound to events with few variables are rarely problematic. If I drop a glass on the floor I can reasonably Expect it to break. The more variables, the more trouble Expectations create. Golf is simply hitting a motionless ball with a metal stick. The ball, club, and grass are not “evolving consciousnesses” but standing elements, yet variables can reach a few dozen or more per shot. The presence of Expectation will make the sport impossible to master and thoroughly frustrating. Practicing things helps one release Expectation and allows one to step into the flow of true Process – where things evolve with your understanding. Practice teaches me to release my golf shot Expectation and learn more how to anticipate and stay in the flow. The more one can eliminate Expectation during hobbies/sports/games, the more organic each experience can be, and the more rewarding. When many evolving beings are involved in a Process with Expectation – look out. The more beings, the more conflict, the less helpful Expectations are as each element/being has its own Process.

The people of the planet Expect the elected leaders to take care of things. Each new leader comes with a list of things (usually the same exact things as the previous leader) that establishes some Expectation in the public, then those citizens Expect said things to be taken care of. Expectations are not met, and we go round again - new leader, same Expectations, same disappointment. Oddly, no single government has ever lived up to Expectations. Things are no different now, then they have ever been as we have as much poverty, war and disharmony as ever. So why do we keep setting ourselves up for this? Each individual has an Expectation, the populace at large has one too, each group and so on. There is an even more subtle, polarized Expectation present to add to the inherent conflict. There are those who Expect the governments of the world to screw things up. This is yet another Expectation whose variation can be destructive – anarchists sell this polarized Expectation. I often wonder if those with this polarized Expectation are “happiest” when government folks really screw things up. This Expectation Formula is a damned if you (Expect), damned if you don’t (Expect) scenario for all.

Those in pursuit of a relationship can be paralyzed by the presence of Expectation as a mate is the ultimate evolving-being and a truly volatile Process. Many believe the world has a perfect soul-mate for them. The soul-mate will: love to do all they want to do, love the same foods, the same movies and love their family. Sounds like they are looking for a mirror not a living, evolving-being. Be that as it may, they have established a seriously polarized Expectation. The person may also retain the opposite Expectation. They may feel they will never have a relationship, or if they do it will end up just like their parents, or “what if the soul mate isn’t the soul mate?” The two polarized Expectations create paralysis. They want a relationship but don’t, they want it to succeed but know it will fail – which Expectation will the relationship meet? We see this too with people who are ill. If we Expect a certain health practitioner to “solve” the problem, and they don’t, we may feel betrayed by the practitioner when in fact we were betrayed by our unrealistic Expectation. We can become paralyzed. This may reveal the presence of another hidden Expectation – “I knew it wasn’t going to really work.” Depending on our commitment, being aware of the conflicts the Expectations created may not be enough to overcome them.

The presence of two conflicting Expectations is a real problem. By limiting the one’s Process to one polarity or the other, one leaves the major realm of possibility, the lovely gray area, out of play. By owning both polarized Expectations and plugging into one primary polarity, one denies the other its “due” energy. In a sense it is a form of Expectation betrayal – more paralysis. Polarized Expectations, the either/or’s of life, are by their very nature restrictive. Pursuit of an Expectation through action is not Process, but task completion and task completion is governed by even more rigid restrictions, most notably time or the illusion of time.

Time installs an insidious Expectation in us. Many of us feel that because we are 30, 40 or 50 years old or have spent 10 years doing something – things should be a certain way. This of course is erroneous. Your Soul level growth is not measured by time but by understanding. You don’t move on to other things until you get what is right in front of you, yet time gives us an illusion of growth. People often think they are adults as they have the Expected trappings of adults: Mortgage, kids, cars. Yet I know people who are 60+ years old and still talk about their parents in terms of mommy and daddy – not very adult at all. All that time, yet they see their parents not as people with a Soul Process but as formulas fabricated from Expectation. Time-oriented growth, rather than real understanding, has left them in a suspended state of Expecting a mommy and daddy for life. When in fact, part of one’s core Process involves the dropping of the external parental formula and transcending the institutionalized Expectation that “others” are responsible for you, your happiness and your experience.

Expectation is really most tragic in the family forum. Most of us have the idea that our parents are “supposed” to be a certain way - do a certain thing: love us, care for us, protect us. Where did these Expectations come from? No license is needed to have children, in fact, having children is the least regulated thing on the entire planet – anyone can do it, with anyone (even people they hate), at anytime – even alone! Whether they are parents or not, people are; evolving expressions of Soul struggling to come to an understanding of their place in the creator’s consciousness. Yet we as children actually want parents/others live up to our Expectations, which we often call these Expectations - Needs. If others would only change and live up to our Expectations everything would be perfect for us. Why should anyone change for you? Are you changing for those who feel you are not living up to their Expectations? Why not? What if you do, will it be appreciated? What if, as a child, you didn’t fit your parent’s Expectation formula for children? Carefully separate personality Wants/Expectations and Soul’s Needs. Soul’s Needs are vastly different than the Needs people are commonly ruled by. The Needs they express are generally formed during the early stages of childhood and are based on fear – not rational Soul level growth and Process.

Many people have an easier time accepting a wild, radical change in another person than they do accepting them for who they have always been. Expectation causes this phenomenon. If you assessed everyone by the actual behavior expressed directly towards you, and not by your Expectations, how would the interactions be different? Selfish people are by and large selfish all the time, fearful people act from fear, liars lie, and no amount of “Expectation based pleading” is ever going to change their behavior. Yet, the presence of your Expectations will lead you to pain, needless suffering and spiritual stagnation. Relationships in which both parties are committed to the world of non-Expectation will profit greatly. The relationships in which the participants are committed to maintaining the presence and fulfillment of their Expectations will be met with serious difficultly at best. I find the majority of the conflict in relationships is Expectation related. Often people are not even aware of the Expectations they hold so dear and seek to impose on their mate. Relationships are dynamic tools for understanding, not monuments to personal fulfillment of inappropriate Expectations. Relationships evolve and must evolve for them to be profitable from Soul’s point of view – All Relationships!

There is an old joke about relationships: “I love you the way you are, now change.” The change means: meet my Expectations. This can be seen everywhere two or more people are involved. When evaluating the presence of Expectation, ask yourself: Are you forcing someone to act a certain way because of your Expectation? Has this person been consistent throughout the entire relationship? When confronted with fear do they act the same way every time? When given the opportunity to be selfish, are they? Have they ever gone out of their way for any reason? Are they committed to greater understanding and growth or are they committed to maintaining the status quo. If the person you are assessing is consistent on each of those questions, and you are still frustrated – then Expectation is present and it is you who has the issue. Be objective here, family members don’t get a free ride or a break – no matter how old or what state they are in. Eliminate all of your Expectations with everything. Move yourself to the gray area of infinite possibility. Then reassess. Assume things will never change (if you aren’t changing why should they?) then determine if you can remain in the situation and will it be profitable. If you are really having trouble try actually asking the real questions: Dad, does it bother you that you never tell me you love me the way I Expect? Mom, does it bother you that you don’t appreciate my work in the way I Expect? If it doesn’t bother them – who has the issue? This is key. I often have folks come to see me who point out a person in their life who is out of balance. Their observation is often correct. Yet, what they fail to understand is the out of balance person doesn’t perceive it as a problem. Often this conflict is just a case of very different Expectations. For example, if I see life as nothing more than a series of conflicts, and my life is, I’m in alignment with that silly Expectation. I see no problem with it – I’m suited for it and I enjoy it. So anyone wishing to “change” me, to make me more balanced and efficient, is wasting their time, as I see that as wrong.

It is important to note here that many folks have inappropriately mixed Expectation with Goals. They feel if they don’t have an Expectation of future events that they don’t have a goal or a reason to live. This is the false premise of life. There is nothing in your experience but Process! Goals and Expectations are not reasons to do things – your personal/Soul Process is. Soul-life is an adventure, not a gigantic checklist. A checklist can be finished, life is never finished. The checklist (Expectation) comes from earthly sales pitches – your Soul has no need of a Porsche or a Harvard Law Degree. It does have a need for the Experience Of Life, which is all about Process and the understanding extracted directly from your experiences/Process. When you fully engage in Process you will find an absence of Expectation a liberating thing – one that leads to real understanding not just abatement of Fear or Responsibility. Expectations that come from fear, marketing, shirking responsibility are clearly dangerous ones. Expectations from actual experience can be helpful but discernment is always in order. If you played a slot machine for the first time and won a thousand dollars, it is unreasonable to Expect this to happen every time. Elimination of Expectations does not mean “without direction” either. People will often deny responsibility for their Process by saying things like “I have no expectations, I’m going to see what happens.” This leads to poor “cause and effect” relationships and the corresponding understanding - as things may not be clear during and after an experience. Eliminate all Expectations from your relationships, start over here and see what happens. See each person or event exactly as it is – not how you wish it to be or wish it had been. See everything as a pathway to greater understanding about yourself and nothing more. Then see how you can improve on your understanding.